


post malone-ly hearts club band

by abby10



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Muggle, F/M, Halloween, Social Media AU, Texting, Valentine's Day, i love valentines day so this just kind of happened, its not about post malone i promise lol, texting au, this is the dumbest fic title in the world
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-14
Updated: 2019-02-14
Packaged: 2019-10-28 10:07:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17785403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/abby10/pseuds/abby10
Summary: Texting AU: The Valentine's Day texting fic no one asked for! Featuring confessions of love, dumb group chat names, and a Halloween party in February





	post malone-ly hearts club band

**Author's Note:**

> I saw a Valentine's fic prompt (thanks littlerose13writes on tumblr) and then this happened.
> 
> Thanks as always to the Jily Discord for the love and support! This one's for y'all x

**Sirius Black** to **Least Favorite Son** : _have u… decorated for valentines day???_

James Potter to Motorcycle Fucker: _of course i have!!! best holiday of the year!_  

Sirius Black: _gross get ur monogamy away from me_

Sirius Black: _also this is halloween erasure and i absolutely wont stand 4 it_

Sirius Black: _honestly only bad thing abt halloween is that its only once a year_

 

\---

 

**Sirius Black** to **Deliveroo Harassment Squad** : _so im throwing a halloween party_

Remus Lupin: _It’s February?_

Sirius Black: _im calling it hifbiss: halloween in february bcuz i said so_

Sirius Black: _and, after much begging from jimmy p, it will be february 15th not 14th_

James Potter: _i literally just asked nicely??_

Sirius Black: _i also may only have moved it bcuz im afraid lily would actually murder me if i ruined ur first vday as a couple_  

Remus Lupin: _Smart move_

Remus Lupin: _And I’m in for HIFBISS. Sounds better than normal Halloween honestly because I won’t have to deal with other people in public celebrating the holiday_.

James Potter: _yeh the tube does get a bit grim that night_

Peter Pettigrew: _noooo it takes me lik a month 2 think of my halloween costume nd now iv only got a week and a half??_

Sirius Black: _and u know ill take the piss for the rest of the year if u have a shit costume_

Remus Lupin: _Not helpful._

 

\---

 

**Lily Evans** to **Sirius’s Ex-Lover** : _whats this I hear about a halloween party?_

James Potter to Carrot Top: _sirius is throwing a “halloween in february because i said so” party the 15 th_

Lily Evans: _omg sounds fun!_

Lily Evans: _can we go in a couples costume this time or have you already planned one with sirius? (again)_

James Potter: _u know i felt bad about that but sirius and i had been planning our ariana grande and pete davidson costumes for months and we’d only officially been together a few weeks then. but im all urs this time <3_

 

\---

 

**James Potter** to **Spider-Man Noir** : _sorry m8 ive gotta cancel on our couples costume this time. lily needs me_

Sirius Black to Spider-Ham: _u fuckin traitor. love has made u soft_

 

\---

 

**Lily Evans** to **Princess Diaries 3** : _sirius is throwing a halloween party the 15th_

Marlene McKinnon: _thank god!! now i have something to look forward to next week_

Dorcas Meadowes: _marlene you literally have a date on valentines day_

Marlene McKinnon: _yes and?_

Mary MacDonald: _should we do a group costume?_

Lily Evans: _sorry but i already made james back out of whatever couples costume he and sirius had planned to do one with me!!!_

Dorcas Meadowes: _you could do one with cattermole?_

Mary Macdonald: _i could but reg doesn’t really get pop culture references. might make him dress up as one anyway if he can come_

 

\---

 

**Lily Evans** to **Former Gilderoy Lockhart Lover** : _how did you know you were in love with reg?_

Lily Evans: _asking for a friend_

Mary Macdonald to Fellow Former Gilderoy Lockhart Lover: _omg!!!!_

Lily Evans: _asking for a friend!!!!_

Mary Macdonald: _idk i just had this moment where i looked at him and my brain kinda screamed it at me?_

Mary Macdonald: _like he was coming over and i looked out the window and saw him cross the street and i just thought “wow look at that incredible person!!! he’s amazing!!!! i’ve never felt this strongly about anyone before!!!”_

Mary Macdonald: _of course i didn’t tell him right away and i was kinda awkward after i realized it because i was internally freaking out but yeah_

Lily Evans: _hmmm_

Lily Evans: _say that this friend of mine has been having those kinds of thoughts for, oh i don’t know, let’s say several months now at this point_  

Lily Evans: _is she in love?_

Mary Macdonald: _i mean, not knowing who this friend you speak of could possibly be, i of course can’t make a definitive judgment…_

Mary Macdonald: _(but yeah you’re def in love with him and i am living for it!!!!)_

 

\--- 

 

**James Potter** to **Even Hotter Amy Adams** : _made our valentines day dinner reservations! :) <3_

Lily Evans to Slightly Less Attractive Aladdin: _ooh reservations how fancy_

Lily Evans: _(can’t wait! <3)_ 

Lily Evans: _i ordered the stuff for our hifbiss costumes!!_

James Potter: _omg wait what are we going as?_

Lily Evans: _you ever heard of a cinematic masterpiece called “the bee movie”_

 

\---

 

**James Potter** to **Jon Snow** : _i think i love lily???_

Sirius Black to Robb Stark: _no shit_

Sirius Black: _ur not just now realizing this r u??_

James Potter: _no i think its that ive known it basically since we started dating_

James Potter: _(shes the perfect woman how could i not love her)_

James Potter: _but like ive been afraid to say it? or to think it?_

James Potter: _especially because i would always joke around and say it to her when we were still just friends so ive been worried she wont think i mean it still_  

Sirius Black: _i mean love is obviously mad dumb and ur a weak beta male for catching feels_

Sirius Black: _but like if u and lily arent in love then no1 is and love doesnt exist_

Sirius Black: _speaking scientifically ofc_

 

\---

 

**Remus Lupin** to **All the Single Ladiez** : _The only good thing abt this stupid holiday is all of the chocolate that goes on sale the day after_

Marlene McKinnon: _preach omg_  

Dorcas Meadowes: _idk easter also has that and doesnt make me feel so alone_

Remus Lupin: _Valentine’s Day has better candy. It’s just a fact_.

Marlene McKinnon: _easter is too heavy on jelly beans_

Remus Lupin: _It’s true and you should say it._  

Dorcas Meadowes: _so are we going out for drinks on the dreaded vday as per usual?_

Marlene McKinnon: _yeah i pushed that date back. didn’t want him getting any expectations because of the day of the month it happened to fall on_

Remus Lupin: _Let’s do it._

 

\---

 

**Sirius Black** to **Lads Incorporated™** : _remus…. r u in a single ladies group chat w marlene nd dorcas??_  

Remus Lupin: _Yes and I feel no shame about it so don't even try to make fun of me._

Sirius Black: _no its not that at all_  

Sirius Black: _i obvi want in_

Remus Lupin: _Hard pass_

Remus Lupin: _You’re not sensitive enough for our conversations._

James Potter: _bold of you to assume marlene is that much more sensitive than sirius_

Sirius Black: _^what he said!!_  

Peter Pettigrew: _can i b allowed back in the chat_

Remus Lupin: _Are you going to drunkenly talk about your pooping habits again?_

Peter Pettigrew: _i cant promise i wont_  

Remus Lupin: _While I admire that honesty, answer remains no._

 

\---

 

**Lily Evans** to **Mammas Mia** : _what do i wear for my valentines date??_  

Lily Evans: _im not used to having to dress up for a date_

Marlene McKinnon: _yeah you and james have already become an old married couple that never goes out in the like 4 months you’ve been dating. bit impressed honestly_

Dorcas Meadowes: _we talkin actual outfit or lingerie_

Lily Evans: _oh shit i should get some pretty lingerie shouldn’t i_

Lily Evans: _both i guess!!!_

Mary Macdonald _: just go to primark! they have cheap lingerie sets for like 10 quid and they’re actually not uncomfy. plus i’m sure you’ll be able to find a dress_

Mary Macdonald: _besides you know james doesn’t really care what you wear. he’s too smitten_

Dorcas Meadowes: _gross (but i second all of the above)_

Marlene McKinnon: _i’ll make a primark trip with you. need to pick up some stuff for my costume }:)_  

Lily Evans: _the devil emoji worries me but desperate times!_

 

\---

 

**Remus Lupin** to **Pita Bread** : _Hey can I borrow your bald cap for the party?_

Peter Pettigrew to Remington Lupus: _im actually usin it 4 my costume srry :/_

Remus Lupin: _Hmm. What are you going as?_  

Peter Pettigrew: _a naked mole rat_

Remus Lupin: _Okay yep we definitely are not going as the same thing._

 

\--- 

 

**James Potter** to **Vernon’s Future Sister** : _wanna meet at mine at 6:30 tomorrow? we can walk to the restaurant from there_

Lily Evans to Whiny Trust Fund Baby: _sounds good! should i just bring our costume stuff with me to leave at yours? assuming things go well and you manage to get me to spend the night of course ;)_

James Potter: _;)_

James Potter: _and yeh sounds good. party is at ours anyway no use in havin you trek back and forth the day of when you could just spend all day in bed with me ;)_

Lily Evans: _sounds like a plan ;)_

James Potter: _;)_

Lily Evans: _;)_

 

\---

 

**Sirius Black** to **Ygritte** :  _;)_

Lily Evans to Side Chick: _stop logging into james’s icloud_

Lily Evans: _or at least give me the password so we can both wreak havoc_

Sirius Black: _deal_

 

\---

 

**Sirius Black** to **Bad at Fortnite** : _so i may have fucked up_  

Remus Lupin to Do Not Answer At Work: _What did you do?_

Sirius Black: _so u know how i log into james’s icloud occasionally_  

Remus Lupin: _Of course_

Sirius Black: _so i was talkin 2 lily and she asked for the password so she could mess w james 2_  

Sirius Black: _and ofc i gave it 2 her. shes devious. seemed like it would be a laugh_

Remus Lupin: _Sounds like major violations of James’s privacy but what’s new_

Remus Lupin: _So what’s the fuck up?_

Sirius Black: _well the last convo i had with james was him saying he thinks hes in love with her_

Sirius Black: _and theres a chance she maybe probably saw those texts_

Remus Lupin: _Ah. I see._

Sirius Black: _so like…. what do i do lol_  

Remus Lupin: _First, stop logging into James’s icloud and messing with him. I thought that had stopped after the incident with Interpol_

Sirius Black: _never gonna happen. keep going_

Remus Lupin: _Next, just tell James what happened. Better he hears it from you now than later if it blows up_

Sirius Black: _or_

Sirius Black: _i tell no one anything and play dumb_

Remus Lupin: _Sirius, no_

Sirius Black: _great talk thanks for the advice remmy!!_

 

\--- 

 

**Lily Evans** to **Post Malone-ly Hearts Club Band** : _so i saw something i wasn’t supposed to see_

Marlene McKinnon: _don’t worry we’ve all seen sirius’s penis once or twice. it’s what happens when he insists on airdrying for 45 minutes after ever shower_

Lily Evans: _what no it wasn’t sirius’s penis_

Lily Evans: _how many times have you seen his penis marlene???_

Marlene McKinnon: _i plead the fifth_

Lily Evans: _we live in england???_  

Dorcas Meadowes: _so what did you see?_

Lily Evans: _right so i logged onto james’s icloud_

Marlene McKinnon: _does sirius just give his password to everyone??_

Dorcas Meadowes: _pretty much_

Mary Macdonald: _yeah i’ve had it for a while_

Lily Evans: _and i was gonna send sirius some racy texts because i always make fun of him for secretly being in love with sirius_

Dorcas Meadowes: _don’t know that it’s that much of a secret_

Lily Evans: _but the most recent convo they had was james saying he thinks he might be in love with me??_

Mary Macdonald: _omg!!!!!_

Marlene McKinnon: _gross_

Marlene McKinnon: _but like yay_

Dorcas Meadowes: _have you two not said it to each other yet?? you’re practically married!!_

Lily Evans: _i was maybe gonna tell him on our valentines date tomorrow_

Mary Macdonald: _well then this is good! you know he feels the same way!!_

Marlene McKinnon: _any idiot with a pair of eyes, functioning or non-functioning, knows that james loves you lils_  

Lily Evans: _okay. yes. you’re right. this is good. this is exciting!!_

Lily Evans: _omg i’m in love!!_

Lily Evans: _and_ _i’m not gonna tell james i saw that convo because i don’t want to make things weird_

Dorcas Meadowes: _fair_

Lily Evans: _but i’m also not gonna say anything to sirius because he’s probs freaking out a bit and he deserves to sweat_

 

\---

 

**Sirius Black** to **Bringing** **Specs-y Back** : _u know i love u rite_

Sirius Black: _like ur my best friend forever_

James Potter to Unvaccinated Until 16: _um yeh_

James Potter: _love u too but like i am dating lily_

James Potter: _if thats where this is going_

Sirius Black: _ew gross no ur not my type at all_

James Potter: _okay rude_

Sirius Black: _just wanted to make sure u knew!!_

James Potter: _my brain is telling me to be suspicious but its valentines day so im gonna let this slide in the name of brotherly love_

Sirius Black: _good idea_

 

\---

 

**Dorcas Meadowes** to **Single Pringles** : _so meeting at the bar at 8?_

Remus Lupin: _Yep!_  

Marlene McKinnon: _rem we have some hot goss for you_

Remus Lupin: _I also have some “hot goss” as the kids say_

Dorcas Meadowes: _is yours about sirius being an idiot_

Remus Lupin: _We have the exact same gossip don’t we?_

Marlene McKinnon: _we need to expand our friend group jfc_

 

\---

 

**James Potter** to **Make Fun of James For Having Airpods** : _lily said she loves me!!!_

Sirius Black: _omg what an exciting outcome from this night that i totally only thought would go well_

Peter Pettigrew: _congratz!!_

Remus Lupin: _Well done!_

Remus Lupin: _You said it back right?_

James Potter: _um of course i did remus how rude of you to ask_  

Sirius Black: _u started crying when she told u and couldnt actually get the words out for like 5 minutes, didnt u_

James Potter: _were u spying on us??_

 

\---

 

**Lily Evans** to **Galentines** : _james and i are officially in love!!!!!!_

Mary Macdonald: _OMG YAY!!!!_  

Dorcas Meadowes: _congrats! proud of you 2 kids_

Marlene McKinnon: _how hard did james cry when you told him_

Lily Evans: _so very very hard. made quite the scene in the restaurant. but we got free dessert from it because he told the waiter it was because the food was too spicy_

Marlene McKinnon: _he’s literally been eating spicy food his whole life?? like that’s his mum’s specialty??_

Mary Macdonald: _what was he having?_

Lily Evans: _spaghetti and meatballs_

_\---_

 

**Sirius Black** to **Future Big Brother Contestants** : _hello all. the time has come. see you in an hour. make sure not to throw off my groove ;)  
_Attachment: 1 Image

Marlene McKinnon: _you’re kuzco??? that’s…. too perfect actually_

James Potter: _see! you didn’t need me!! brilliant costume m8_

Dorcas Meadowes: _you won’t be the only disney character tonight ;)  
_Attachment: 1 Image

Marlene McKinnon: _LESBIAN ICON DORCAS MEADOWES AS LESBIAN ICON ELSA!!! WE STAN!!!_  

Remus Lupin: _This is so sad. Alexa, play Despacito  
_Attachment: 1 Image

Lily Evans: _SHUT UP YOU LOOK JUST LIKE JEFF BEZOS_

Mary Macdonald: _that’s freaky omg you have his lazy eye down to a tee_

Peter Pettigrew: _oh ya we hav very different costumes  
_Attachment: 1 Image

James Potter: _are you a fetus?????_

Dorcas Meadowes: _omg wtf_  

Peter Pettigrew: _im a naked mole rat_

Sirius Black: _absolute_ _legend. i'll give you 10 quid if u manage to get laid in that costume 2night_

Marlene McKinnon: _and now i’ll reveal my costume. first one to get it gets one of my beers  
_Attachment: 1 Image 

Dorcas Meadowes: _okay you’re dressed like young donna from mamma mia 2 (here we go again)_

Remus Lupin: _But you have red hair and glasses like James…_

Mary Macdonald: _YOU’RE LILY JAMES_

Mary Macdonald: _BUT LIKE BOTH THE CELEBRITY AND OUR FRIENDS_

Marlene McKinnon: _we have a winner!!!_

Lily Evans: _honestly can’t say anything other than that i’m flattered_

Sirius Black: _the glasses dont look quite silly enough but a solid pun. well done_

James Potter: _rude_

Lily Evans: _(he’s not wrong)_

 

\---

 

**James Potter** to **Girl Who Loves Me** : _hey whered you go_  

Lily Evans to Spicy Spaghetti: _popped to tesco with sirius to pick up some more tequila_

Lily Evans: _why?_  

James Potter: _just missed you. think you should maybe leave your human boyfriend for me_

Lily Evans: _good thing i’m into bee-stiality_

James Potter: _god that was such a brilliant pun_

James Potter: _youre so brilliant_

James Potter: _im so glad were in love <3_

Lily Evans: _i’m so glad we’re in love too :) <3_

**Author's Note:**

> (The Halloween in February party is inspired by an actual tradition my friends and I had in college. It's very fun and I would recommend it to everyone.)
> 
> And thank you so so much for reading! Feel free to leave a comment, bookmark, or kudos. I will love you forever!!!
> 
> Come chat with me at my main blog (pareidolian.tumblr.com) or my fanfic sideblog (abby10fanfic.tumblr.com)
> 
> Happy Valentine's Day!!! xx


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